My Best Is My Worst

Back in the early 90's, when I was living in Manhattan, a high school friend of mine was as well, and we would get together occasionally. At the time, he had a girlfriend, and the two of them were so close that I took it for granted that they would be together forever. Sadly, that was not the case.

I remember them telling me one evening that the very quality that initially attracts you to a romantic partner is the very same quality that will ultimately lead you to break up with them.

Now when they told this to me, it sounded like utter nonsense. In other words, if you are attracted to someone because they are kind, that means that you will ultimately break up with them because they are kind?! Completely illogical. I couldn't for the life of me fathom why they would say something like that.

It would take more than a decade and a half for me to finally comprehend the point they were expressing. And not only do I now wholeheartedly agree with it -- it has become one of the core axioms of my belief system.

But to me, the concept goes far beyond the context of relationships -- it goes to the very heart of what we as human beings are. In a nutshell: my best is my worst.

What I mean to say is that those very qualities that exist within us that we are so proud of, and that serve us so well is so many different situations, are the very same qualities that get us into trouble in other situations.

One person is gentle, loving, unconditionally accepting, completely uncritical. Wonderful, right? Absolutely. You'd like to meet that person, right? Positively! And yet, that same person may find themselves in a situation where they need to set boundaries because someone is taking advantage of them. Or they may be in a supervising position, and need to discipline someone for inappropriate conduct. Their tendency to express only positive things to others may make it extremely difficult for them to adopt a slightly more authoritative stance which is necessary in such situations.

It works in reverse, too. Our worst can suddenly become our best. I know a woman who is one of the most indifferent, apathetic people I've ever met. And yet, this nature of hers, which most of us would not put on a top 10 list of desirable character traits, serves her beautifully in at least two contexts: (a) She can be very forgiving following situations of conflict. Since she doesn't care about anything (I exaggerate, of course!), she simply doesn't hold grudges! It's all water off her back. (b) In situations of great stress, she is grace personified. Again, since she doesn't care about anything, nothing rattles her.

I've seen this concept in myself as well. I am an extremely focused person. In fact, hyper-focused would not be inaccurate. In my day-to-day work, my ability to focus on the heart of the issue and not get distracted by non-essential details allows me to clearly and logically analyze situations and deal with them systematically. However, this same tendency to focus can lead me to dwell on past events that would best be laid to rest.

I therefore think that in many respects, people do not have strengths and weaknesses. Rather, we have raw qualities, which may manifest themselves as assets in certain situations, and as liabilities in others. Therefore, if there is some aspect of ourselves which displeases us, attempting to remove that aspect from our being may not be the way to go -- for that very aspect may be extremely beneficial to us in other contexts. The more we recognize the dual nature of our basic tendencies, the better equipped we are to refine them, harness them, and to increasingly use them only in ways which will benefit us and others.